Department of the Interior Press Release

So it is turning out that - at least this month in particular - this big ol' trek to central Europe is more of a big ol' inner hike in my heart. I mean, this is a big part of life...for me especially, my little introverted intuitive feeling perceiving self...that "inner life" is more real to me than the outer one sometimes, if I can say such a thing, which really I can't because that presents the idea that each is separate from the other. Oy I'm about to start wading into some nonsensical philosophical rambling...I'll try to tiptoe back to my point.
THAT being, that while I have felt rather anxious or guilty about being so inwardly focused in these past few weeks since I am in HUNGARY for crying out loud (I should be out and about, seeing all the new things, learning all the new knowledge, being with all the new people! ;)) - that inward focus is just part of me, man. The focus turns all the time, sometimes in dizzying circles that may induce nausea, and this month it has happened to stick on the inward setting. Which is good, my friends, very good, especially when I am able to forget/let go of my "meta" anxiety (i.e. when I feel guilt about not "feeling the right way" - what the heck, darlin' take a chill pill).

Anyway, so I'm saying that I'm on an inner journey, and it's pretty great but I've been giving a lot of time to the inward stuff, and not as much attention to the outward stuff. Before I leave this beautiful city, my focus wheel-o-fortune will tick-tick-tick it's way over to "outward" too, fear not, because that's how it always goes. Like any sine curve/circle/pendulum, my focus wheel cycles, yo!

Meanwhile, since I totally promised some "embarrassingly introspective thoughts" on this blog, I will post a poem I wrote after going to the MOL Jazz Festival 2008 in Budapest at the end of September. Though I wrote this a little while back, right before I really took a leap from the high dive into a pool of introspection, it is always relevant to me, and therefore, mildly interesting to you readers.


Untitled pow!em

love yourself suzanne
things like 'you're worth it!' and 'you can do it!'
are meaningless after all
doesn't matter
because worth implies external judgment
can-do follows from fear of can't
and while these things plague you
they are not the truth
they are not what is true inside of you

yes, they are in there
in the jumble of your heart
but you know why you're here

maybe not sure yet how to execute,
not yet knowing in what kind of venue you will perform

but you know

if the pattern and shifts of shadow
light you up inside
if the jumble of life actual is
the chaos collage you see projected dimly
on the insides of your retinas

(and it is, oh it is)

that is well and good
that will take you somewhere
do well to follow
always seeing about you
that the pattern is not something you will learn about
from graduate school
from research, though it certainly is in those endeavors too

the pattern IS
like music is in your feet in special moments
the pattern IS like the times joy steals you up to the stars
for a moment outside of the overpopulated landscape of administrative details
(like what job to get, what man to marry, what life to live) (as if you are able to be in control of all that)

the pattern IS
and will be always
without shadow, but not a flat constant
unpredictable in zoom
but on the whole quite graceful
and full of beauty

and love
yes
love