Happy Old Year

Hello world.

So, tonight on television we have - terrible news (as per usu.), a chicken documentary (not a joke...or is it some sort of cosmic funny?), and a bluegrass festival taped a long long time ago and showing on the grainy gray PBS channel (is that channel 12?). Oh, New Years Eve.

I would be out partying, but as things happen, I am not, and that's alright. I will party in 2009. A lot. It's good for the soul or something.

Anyway, as many bloggers do, I want to offer an eensy weensy retrospective on my 2008.

It's been a helluva great year. Since I am sort of lazy, here're the main points:

• Finca La Anita
• JC'ing...no, that's not Jesus as a verb...or is it...
  
• C2B2 and the Bedinger Lab
• Budapest and BSM
• home...it's always great to come back.
• Friends, friends, friends...lots of 'em
  

These are the main good points. And I probably forgot a lot.
But this year has been tough too. I've struggled with burning myself out on school, learning to deal/not deal with that, and facing some of the consequences of my study habits.

And a word on recent life events. Since returning from Budapest, I have enjoyed spending a lot of time with family. I love my parents dearly, and all my family, and they also drive me nuts. :)
However, this week has been difficult for us. On Monday evening we had to say goodbye to our dearest little puppy Butterscotch. She was getting up there in years - 12 - and had terrible arthritis in her joints. She had a very painful, bad day on Christmas day and though some new medication helped her perk up, we knew it could only get worse and not better. Damn, she was a good dog. Not perfect, but so so wonderful. I miss her and her smile and her wiggly eyebrows and her soft little ears and her doggy smell and her fluffy hair and her laugh. I guess I don't miss her farts. She was too proficient with those.

Love you, sis.





So here's my last little toast to a packed 2008, and here's to a grand year ahead full of abundant life! Egesegedre!

A time it was a time

Hello Gentle Readers,

It is 2 A.M. Not a particularly extraordinary time for me to be awake, but a particularly extraordinary time after all. In just an hour my taxi will come to speed me to Ferihegy Airport, where I will sit around anticlimactically waiting for my 6 AM flight to Frankfurt. Where I will then languish for 5 more anticlimactic hours until I can grab a wing to Denver.

But for now, right now, I'll just sit here in the midst of a rather climactic sort of quietness. Do you know what I mean? Over the past few days each small detail of my daily life here has ballooned in significance as I have realized that this is the last I may see of this life for a long time. It is true that when I come to the end of things I often look back with rose goggles.

This travel experience has been one of singular importance to me, in ways that I did not expect. In the past when I have spent a longish period of time in a foreign country, I have entered into the journey with sort of magnified senses, with the full expectation that I will learn something profound and life-changing. While I have learned and experienced many beautiful and not-so-beautiful things in my times abroad, these past four months have been a different experience in part precisely because I did not begin this adventure with that straining-for-meaning mindset. To be honest, I began this odyssey tired. Tired of school, and tired of being tired. At the beginning of this past summer I pretty much felt like I didn't want to make any new friends damnit, I could hardly keep up with the ones I had and I really just wasn't feeling all that social. And here I have made wonderful friends despite my tendencies toward isolation, without trying so hard - naturally. Here I have "just lived" rather than thought too much about it. Well, now, wait a second if my roommate reads this she might think - no way, you totally overanalyzed stuff. We are neurotic that way. I guess what I'm trying to say - and none too concisely at that - is that I am amazed at the joys and friendships that populate my life here. I will miss these friends, and the comfortable nature of our exchanges. I will miss these folks whose weirdnesses are not so unlike my own. I will miss this beautiful city because it is here that I have rediscovered my love for learning. It is here in Budapest I have learned greater openness to what's going on inside myself - to let go of control and keep my eyes and ears wide. And for these things I thank my God. Whatever God may be, whoever God is, I give God thanks. Gratitude is a way of being, and a way I want to be myself. And in the more tangible realm, I give thanks to each of you my dear readers, because if you know about this blog chances are VERY strong you're someone I know I can count on for support and whom I am so fortunate to know. Thank you for listening. And especially to my parents and family, for enabling all this craziness and encouraging me at every turn to sieze opportunities and push myself.

It has been a rare pleasure, a challenge, and God knows it has been an adventure not set apart from life as it turns out, but more deeply woven in it than I would have at first guessed.

Also, I am rather tired and feeling all loopy and introspective, so I'm sorry if none of the above really made good sense. Hopefully I communicated the gist all right. I get super wordy when nostalgic.

In the coming days I will (hopeuflly) be posting the last of my photos and perhaps an update re: Holy CRAP what is this place I've returned to??? It's so STRANGE and SO familiar. :)
Love you!

Viszontla'ta'sra Budapest! Viszontla'ta'sra Magyarorsza'g!

Zsuzsika

Life

So, this is it. I have less than 48 hours left now in Budapest. Can't hardly believe it! I went for a walk today at 7 AM to try to catch sunrise on the Danube, by the Chain Bridge. Turns out, the sunrise was really more of a slightly lighter gray than anything epic, but it was still beautiful, and I spent a good deal of time just strolling around Buda. I happened upon some great sights:

• As I walked by someone's apartment window at street level at 7:30 in the morning - a nice-looking white-haired lady was playing Solitaire on the computer. (Me in 60 years? yes.)
• Clusters of high school age kids loitering outside their school! I hung about waiting for the clusters to go inside because there was a funky sign I wanted a photo of, but I was embarrassed to take the photo with them there. I especially enjoyed observing the poor kids who were late - rushing down stairs and cobblestone streets to get to classes. And of course, all of these kids were more stylishly dressed than I was. We are in Europe, after all. :)
• I took an impromptu nap inside Ma'tya's templom in the Castle District - this church is simply GORGEOUS. It has a beautiful exterior as well, but it's been covered in scaffolding the entire time I've been here as it is undergoing extensive restoration. I will post photos soon - but maybe not until I arrive az USA-ban. There was some sort of rehearsal in the church for a concert by high school/jr. high students, so I sat to listen to them - very beautiful music and acoustics - and before I knew it I had sort of konked out. Don't worry, I'm sure it looked like I was hunched over in prayer.

And these are just a few of the exciting things that have happened TODAY!

The past week has been quite full - I took my last final yesterday (Huzzah! Number Theory, check! And I did pretty well for watching 6 episodes of Angel the night before and barely studying...). We enjoyed the delightful tiramisu of Spinoza Cafe twice in the past week, and soaked up some relaxment at Ruda's furdo on Friday night. I also had an adventurous Thursday evening, but it turned out to be quite unbloggable. Tee hee.
So that is the short of it. I am now packing/procrastinating as per usual.
E and I had planned a whirlwind tour of Prague for today, but a strike by train workers has shut down most of the trains so we couldn't do it. In truth I am rather relieved that I've now been gifted a little extra time to get ready to leave in an organized, relaxed way. I would love to go to Prague, but that will just have to wait until my next trip to Central Europe.

Sziasztok!

A Funny Thing Is Happening

Now that I have finally - FINALLY - gotten up on my feet again, metaphorically that is, I find myself wanting to keep doing work! But I only have one final to study for! And that is funny to me. Now that I finally am psyched up, I've pretty much reached the 'end' of the work for this semester. So I'm going to try and nurture this motivation, and apply my newfound work ethic to my interim course, to (oh here's a good one) looking at grad schools, and to next semester. I've decided I want crazy straight A's next semester, though my main priority will be relationships with people - I may never see some of these people ever again! waaah!

I am still sort of weirded out by the fact I'm a senior in college. How do these things HAPPEN? :) I'm sure my parents feel this more acutely than I do. ;)

hee hee hee.

When you get to an uphill, RUN!

Thanks be to God.
Seriously, thank the Lord.

So this week (nay, this semester!) has been an adventure of an academic nature - yesterday I had two exams, and then two again today. This morning was the toughest: Combinatorics. I can say with some amount of certainty that I did not do well enough on that exam to pass the class. I have been struggling all semester with executing my studently responsiblities, and I've been suffering from extreme lack of motivation regarding school - regarding many things, in fact.

But as I studied for Combo and D&B in the last few nights, I was reminded of a story my dad told me about his college ski-team tryouts. When Dad was trying out for the team, he was at a disadvantage - was smaller than many of his peers, and maybe not quite as in shape. But the coach gave him a wise word - when he ran with the team and other prospective teammates, whenever my dad encountered a hill, he should RUN up it. Clearly, when you're dead tired from running, and you get to the foot of a hill, if you're normal you think "Oh Shit, Seriously?" So RUN. Full out, push as hard as you can. It's a little like ripping off the bandaid, but in reverse (but not putting on the bandaid). So in the past few days, whenever I've felt like throwing in the towel, whenever I've felt a little panicky as I think about my realistic chances in these courses, I've heard that phrase "when you get to an uphill, RUN."

So I'm thanking God this evening for the returning of my motivation, my joy in life, and for the difficult things I am learning as I navigate my own little corner of "failure." I have never considered myself a quitter, but this semester I have kind of sneakily gone about quitting without admitting it to myself. Well, to that I say, no more, please. It will take time and intentional effort to get into a new mode of doing school (and indeed, life), but I'm willing and able now. AWESOME. :)

Also, now I can actually have some more fun! Because my finals in 3 classes are DONE! YES!!!! Rejoicing!!!
Viszlat!

Oh, ps. Some interesting links from today:
On Depression and Sloth
New music!
...

Szuletesnapom!

Today is a good day. Found my wallet. My wallet my backpack-ban volt. So at least that's some worry off my chest.
In other worries: 1 midterm and 1 final exam tomorrow. Eeeeep.

1 final and 1 final on Wednesday. EEEEEEEP. Combinatorics and D&B. I'd hate to fail combinatorics. We will see, we will see.

Academically, this is not my best semester ever.
Lifely, this has been a semester of learning about myself and how I relate to the world.
Bloggily, I have learned about how fun blogging seems to be, but I know I haven't kept this up very well over the last few months.

I am not prepared for reverse culture shock when I return to the States. Just today I found a dime in my backpack, and it looked strange, too light and small to be worth anything.

Thank you for sticking with me folks, through thick and thin and my long blog-silences! Love you!

As it is Advent, a good time to think

It is really always a good time to think about and help others, but Advent is particularly good because it's about waiting and focusing on that which is more important than shopping (aka everything, but especially God and neighbor).

This evening as we walked back from dinner, F, N, S and I passed a man by the tram stop who was trying to get his shoe on. His shoe had somehow come off by the tram track, I think maybe he tripped over the track or something. He looked rather the worse for wear, with a cane and a plastic bag draped over one hand. He was wearing sort of tattered sweatpants and was having a difficult time getting his shoe back on because he was trying to stay balanced upright and couldn't bend his knee, it seemed. He looked a little forlorn, trying unsuccessfully to get his shoe back on. We passed him and Fai - bless her - stopped and looked back, unsure whether to go help him. She did, and I followed her, holding his hand for balance while she helped him get his foot in the shoe.

It is an unbelievably simple thing to help someone. I think we make it complicated so that we feel better about not doing it. As a young woman, I tend to avoid contact with strangers when I'm out by myself at night, even if that means not helping someone who needs help. Is that right? Not really. It might be prudent in some situations, but it isn't right. As a stranger in a strange land, I have not helped someone when I could have - should have - simply because I don't know the language and don't know how to verbally offer help. But darn it Suzanne, help is the easiest thing to offer without words. Just do it.

As a Christian, I'd like to say I take seriously the belief that I am a part of the Body of Christ - I am given to serve my fellow humans because in serving the least, I serve Christ. Let me be honest. While in my head I take this seriously, my actions say otherwise. I am self-centered, selfish. In some sense, that is "okay" - I am in the middle of figuring out what I'm doing with my life right now, so I think quite a bit about what I like to do, what I am suited to do, who I really am, me, me, me. But mostly I am selfish and I don't keep others in mind and heart as I should and as I know makes me a better person.

So that's something to think on - what does it cost to help people, and what does it cost NOT to?

Happy Advent folkses!

It's been so LOOOONG! and I don't think anyone reads this anymore. I don't read this anymore.

Mulled wine is so DELICIOUSSSS! How did I not know this before???? Oh, Europe, I love what you've taught me.

In the vein of what I've been doing in the last few posts:
I WILL MISS: Forralt bor (hot wine). So scrumptious. I've been crazy shopping today and yesterday evening, at the Vorosmarty ter Christmas market full of beatiful handmade jewelry, ceramics, textiles, and other spendy items that bring out the best (worst) materialistic instincts in me. And the perfect compliment to Christmas shopping = mulled wine. It's a great amplifier to my already impulsive shopping tendencies. This is something capitalist America should already have figured out. But I've never had forralt bor at the Golden Candlelight Walk...what is up with that? ;)

I have gotten even lazier with my cooking, and my cravings for "American" food are getting worse. Last night I enjoyed a burrito - Chipotle style, or as close as it gets in Budapest - and since I'm in Europe, that meant I could also get a margarita. This is basically a fast-food joint. With margaritas. Nice.

Though the last two paragraphs have centered on alcohol, I don't want any of you blog-readers to worry. I'm not going crazy out here with the drinking. I'm saving that for Wednesday night, after I finish my Combinatorics final, and my Dynamical Systems & Bifurcations final - two big finals, one of which I will probably fail. Well, que sera sera mis amigos.

In the past two weeks I have:

• enjoyed a Thanksgiving dinner of lamb, pastry, and kaymak, a Bosnian cream-cheese sort of thing. Delicious.
• walked the wall around the old city of Dubrovnik in Croatia. Dubrovnik is positively gorgeous. It was a pleasure to spend my Thanksgiving break on the Adriatic, where short sleeves are still mostly comfortable and seafood is fresh.
  
• marvelled at the tolling of the bells of the 6 or 7 Catholic churches in Dubrovnik's old city while soaking up the beauty of the sun setting over the Adriatic sea.
• noted the benefits of travelling on the night bus - it's not a bad way to minimize daylight hours eaten up with travel, and you save on hostel $. Fortunately as a product of years of sleep deprivation, I have little problem sleeping on buses. Or anywhere.
• been homesick - I would love to stay here for more time, but I am SO excited to see all you peeps at home. I miss my buddies! While I have met some exceptional people here and made a few great new friends, I often think of those back home with whom I'd like to share these experiences.
  
• watched Star Trek. When I first got into Star Trek, it was a personal and solitary obsession. What a joy it is to enjoy the show(s) with people who also genuinely like it. Not like I didn't have this opportunity back at Olaf, but somehow here it has affected me more.
• finally written postcards. For those of you who will receive postcards probably right after I return to the States, I'm sorry you didn't get them sooner. For those of you who will wonder if I love you when you don't receive a postcard at all - rest assured, I DO love you. I am sorry I've been terrible about keeping in touch, and I hope you will forgive me. Again.
  
• loved math and hated math. Such is the topography of my academic life right now. I love it. I hate it. I am tired of it. :) Contradiction. QED. What-EVER.

I don't know what else to say. This post has been a little incoherent, but I wanted to say SOMETHING since I've been silent for a while, and now I really need to go study. (read "get motivated/disciplined to study"). Love you!
Viszontlatasra!