My, my. It has been a while. :)
Well, a great deal of life has been going on since last I posted here. Heartache and grief at a friend lost to the cruel coldness of depression. Lots and lots of laughter and hilarity. Finding freedom I never imagined in saying true things out loud. Spending more of my 'days at the office' on some of America's gorgeous reservoirs! Using my science writing and statistical muscles for good and not evil (or at least, for the government). Saying goodbye to a mentor and hello again to the exhausting frustration that volunteering in a church can induce. Oh - and I went to Jamaica! With those awesome high schoolers. That was fun and a half (1.5 FUNs).
In the most recent news available, I am on sabbatical from employment and re-evaluating my direction in life. I have been angsting over this evaluation process from Day One post-graduation (and let's face it, the angst has been a practice of mine since at least junior year of high school), and I can say with a lovely sort of calm that right now, I am feeling "ready." Ready for what, you may ask; ready for anything. Ready to make decisions. Ready to own my life. Ready to continue letting go of my angst. Ready to keep making tracks. :)
It surely is a beautiful one, this life. And God I am lucky to be living it.
I just have this beautiful open feeling inside of me right now, like I am standing in an open doorway looking out on the vast fullness and color of the rest of my life.
It's a nice change from the claustrophobic shithole of depression. Hot damn!
And, I took the GRE finally this morning, and it felt GREat! :)
Showing posts with label innards. Show all posts
Showing posts with label innards. Show all posts
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Department of the Interior Press Release
So it is turning out that - at least this month in particular - this big ol' trek to central Europe is more of a big ol' inner hike in my heart. I mean, this is a big part of life...for me especially, my little introverted intuitive feeling perceiving self...that "inner life" is more real to me than the outer one sometimes, if I can say such a thing, which really I can't because that presents the idea that each is separate from the other. Oy I'm about to start wading into some nonsensical philosophical rambling...I'll try to tiptoe back to my point.
THAT being, that while I have felt rather anxious or guilty about being so inwardly focused in these past few weeks since I am in HUNGARY for crying out loud (I should be out and about, seeing all the new things, learning all the new knowledge, being with all the new people! ;)) - that inward focus is just part of me, man. The focus turns all the time, sometimes in dizzying circles that may induce nausea, and this month it has happened to stick on the inward setting. Which is good, my friends, very good, especially when I am able to forget/let go of my "meta" anxiety (i.e. when I feel guilt about not "feeling the right way" - what the heck, darlin' take a chill pill).
Anyway, so I'm saying that I'm on an inner journey, and it's pretty great but I've been giving a lot of time to the inward stuff, and not as much attention to the outward stuff. Before I leave this beautiful city, my focus wheel-o-fortune will tick-tick-tick it's way over to "outward" too, fear not, because that's how it always goes. Like any sine curve/circle/pendulum, my focus wheel cycles, yo!
Meanwhile, since I totally promised some "embarrassingly introspective thoughts" on this blog, I will post a poem I wrote after going to the MOL Jazz Festival 2008 in Budapest at the end of September. Though I wrote this a little while back, right before I really took a leap from the high dive into a pool of introspection, it is always relevant to me, and therefore, mildly interesting to you readers.
Untitled pow!em
love yourself suzanne
things like 'you're worth it!' and 'you can do it!'
are meaningless after all
doesn't matter
because worth implies external judgment
can-do follows from fear of can't
and while these things plague you
they are not the truth
they are not what is true inside of you
yes, they are in there
in the jumble of your heart
but you know why you're here
maybe not sure yet how to execute,
not yet knowing in what kind of venue you will perform
but you know
if the pattern and shifts of shadow
light you up inside
if the jumble of life actual is
the chaos collage you see projected dimly
on the insides of your retinas
(and it is, oh it is)
that is well and good
that will take you somewhere
do well to follow
always seeing about you
that the pattern is not something you will learn about
from graduate school
from research, though it certainly is in those endeavors too
the pattern IS
like music is in your feet in special moments
the pattern IS like the times joy steals you up to the stars
for a moment outside of the overpopulated landscape of administrative details
(like what job to get, what man to marry, what life to live) (as if you are able to be in control of all that)
the pattern IS
and will be always
without shadow, but not a flat constant
unpredictable in zoom
but on the whole quite graceful
and full of beauty
and love
yes
love
THAT being, that while I have felt rather anxious or guilty about being so inwardly focused in these past few weeks since I am in HUNGARY for crying out loud (I should be out and about, seeing all the new things, learning all the new knowledge, being with all the new people! ;)) - that inward focus is just part of me, man. The focus turns all the time, sometimes in dizzying circles that may induce nausea, and this month it has happened to stick on the inward setting. Which is good, my friends, very good, especially when I am able to forget/let go of my "meta" anxiety (i.e. when I feel guilt about not "feeling the right way" - what the heck, darlin' take a chill pill).
Anyway, so I'm saying that I'm on an inner journey, and it's pretty great but I've been giving a lot of time to the inward stuff, and not as much attention to the outward stuff. Before I leave this beautiful city, my focus wheel-o-fortune will tick-tick-tick it's way over to "outward" too, fear not, because that's how it always goes. Like any sine curve/circle/pendulum, my focus wheel cycles, yo!
Meanwhile, since I totally promised some "embarrassingly introspective thoughts" on this blog, I will post a poem I wrote after going to the MOL Jazz Festival 2008 in Budapest at the end of September. Though I wrote this a little while back, right before I really took a leap from the high dive into a pool of introspection, it is always relevant to me, and therefore, mildly interesting to you readers.
Untitled pow!em
love yourself suzanne
things like 'you're worth it!' and 'you can do it!'
are meaningless after all
doesn't matter
because worth implies external judgment
can-do follows from fear of can't
and while these things plague you
they are not the truth
they are not what is true inside of you
yes, they are in there
in the jumble of your heart
but you know why you're here
maybe not sure yet how to execute,
not yet knowing in what kind of venue you will perform
but you know
if the pattern and shifts of shadow
light you up inside
if the jumble of life actual is
the chaos collage you see projected dimly
on the insides of your retinas
(and it is, oh it is)
that is well and good
that will take you somewhere
do well to follow
always seeing about you
that the pattern is not something you will learn about
from graduate school
from research, though it certainly is in those endeavors too
the pattern IS
like music is in your feet in special moments
the pattern IS like the times joy steals you up to the stars
for a moment outside of the overpopulated landscape of administrative details
(like what job to get, what man to marry, what life to live) (as if you are able to be in control of all that)
the pattern IS
and will be always
without shadow, but not a flat constant
unpredictable in zoom
but on the whole quite graceful
and full of beauty
and love
yes
love
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